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I miss him every single day

Thursday, July 10, 2008

It’s been 3 years to this date that I lost my father.  I wanted to dedicate a blog all about him on this day, but I couldn’t bring myself to doing it.  It still hurts as if it were a fresh wound in my heart.  It’s strange how my bad memory helps me forget things, incidents in life which eventually heals pain – but losing my father, it feels as if it were just yesterday.  I don’t think there is anything, physically or emotionally that could hurt more than losing someone you love so much.

That last day that we spent with him – I truly feel that he was content that day.  Our family (my father, my mother, my brother and I) had gone for lunch to Elan’s house at that time (soon to be Elan’s and my house after we got married).  They were seeing it for the first time.  Spending time together as a family was a very very rare occurence as my brother and I were much older now and a lot of time was spent with friends.  We headed home after that – spent the rest of that Sunday relaxing, having dinner and watching TV.  Later that night, my father passed away, still sitting up, with the TV on – we never heard him call for help or tell anyone of his possible discomfort.  He was like that – in his life and even in his moment of passing.  He never believed in worrying others about what he went through.  He always told my mother quietly of his discomfort or when he was not feeling well. 

Even till this day, I replay the days leading up to this day in my mind.  Thinking of all the moments of “this may be last time…..” and thinking of the “what ifs”.   As we followed the ambulance that night to the hospital, I prayed in my heart that he would be ok – but more than that, I prayed that he would not suffer.  I guess God heard the latter more clearly – or maybe he head the earlier prayer clearly too, maybe he’s ok now.  He was lucky in that way, he didn’t suffer too much in his final moments.  I remember returning from the hospital with my mum and brother – walking into our house in the early hours of the morning.  That feeling – that feeling of knowing that we would never see him again, that this house would never hear the echoes of his loud voice, of his singing, of his laughter and even of his scolding, cut through my heart like a knife.

Selfish thoughts ran through my head – my wedding was to be fixed for a date, exactly 5 months later – and it hurt so much that he wouldn’t be the one to give me away.  It hurt that he wouldn’t be here to see me pregnant one day, to see his grandchildren.  The next few days went by in a blur – with hundreds of people visiting us – he had made that much of an impact on so many people’s lives.  We even had such good friends and relatives flying down from Australia and New Zealand.  The thing that struck me during those few days was family – my extended family, being around all the time, supporting us and loving us through this hard time.  It brought a special closeness between my mother, brother and I – bonding and remembering things about my father that only we could know.  And then there was the man I love and will love till the end of my days – Elan, who was my silent support through those few days.  He was never out of my sight for long – always there to hold me, help my mother with anything that needed to be done and be a friend to my brother. 

Then into our lives came Sandy, our puppy at that time, within the first couple of weeks after my father passed away.  She gave us something to look forward to – she put a smile on our faces with her little mischievous tricks, with her racing from one end of the house to the other end and then banging into the wall because she couldn’t stop.  She filled my mother’s heart with love.

I remember so much more of that time, but this is as much as I want to write.  It’s been 3 years now.  Since then, I got married – crying and wishing for my father to have been with me on that day, but having friends and family support and love me.  I’ve been pregnant and given birth to our little munchkin, Divya – all the time with Elan and my mother by my side.

I still listen to my father singing bhajans on a CD (when I drive) that was put together lovingly by a family friend.  I see my father when I look into Divya’s eyes or when I see having little similar gestures or mannerisms that my father had.  I think of him when I hear Divya calling Elan “Appu” as that is what I called my father too.  I see my father in the countryside every time we take a drive out – he loved travelling so much just as I do.  Most of all, I still feel my father’s love when I am feeling down or feeling extremely happy.  Remembering things about him with my mother still makes us laugh.  As strange as this may sound, I look forward to my dreams at night, as I still see him in my dreams alive and well, and full of laughter.

Life has gone on as promised.  But there is not a moment that I don’t miss him.  And if this had to be a lesson in my life, a very hard one, then I have learnt to try my best to appreciate the ones I love when I have a chance to and not to have regrets. 

This photo of my father and mother was taken that afternoon – the day he passed away.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Thursday, July 10, 2008 3:25 pm

    He looks so healthy in that photo… One never knows, I guess.

    (((((HUGS))))) to you. I know the feeling, though it’s been 17 years since my father died (of cancer).

    Very touching post.

  2. Thursday, July 10, 2008 3:46 pm

    Hi Bavani. I feel for you – I know that it cannot be easy. Most of us are all guilty of taking life for granted, be it our own or of those special to us. Blessed are those who appreciate life as a blessing, and appreciate every moment of it!

    I thank you for sharing your memories and feelings today, for I feel blessed just by being reminded of how special life is. Today – you have been my angel!

  3. boiseangel permalink*
    Thursday, July 10, 2008 4:13 pm

    @Julie and spillay : Thank you.

  4. raggedyanne permalink
    Friday, July 11, 2008 2:42 am

    my eyes teared up reading this, bav. the powerful words you say conjured up images in my mind like movie reel. so sorry for your loss dear. I’m sure he’s looking down on you and your family all the time

  5. Friday, July 11, 2008 5:52 am

    I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. Your appu lives in your memories Bavani. This is a very touching tribute.

  6. boiseangel permalink*
    Friday, July 11, 2008 9:31 pm

    @Raggedyanne & Laksh : Thank you for your thoughts. I truly appreciate it.

  7. Saturday, July 12, 2008 10:15 am

    I think he was at peace when he left, to have spent such a wonderful day with his beloved family, to see that his one and only daughter would be safe in another man’s care (that’s Elan!)… probably for him, it was all that he could ask for- to see his family happy.
    Big hugs from me and Sarah.

  8. boiseangel permalink*
    Saturday, July 12, 2008 11:35 am

    @deianira : Thanks Fada.

  9. Monday, July 14, 2008 12:30 pm

    Bavani-

    A very heart wrenching post on your father. I guess no matter how many years go by, there will always be his mark on your life. As you mentioned, thinking of good times and days spent with him will be the cherished memories that you will carry forward.

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